After Jimmy's Mountain
by Cubit
Summary: Jimmy tried to come back too soon. Who will help him believe in himself again?


Disclaimer:  I do not own any of these characters.

Note:  This little story takes place the day after Jimmy tried to come back too early from the shooting injuries in the episode titled "Jimmy's Mountain."

The room was dark but that was okay.  Jimmy wasn't looking at anything anyway.  Just sitting and thinking - about Wally Pipp, about life, about his options.  Options.  What options did he have?  He was already living Plan B for his life.  Plan A had died on the field at Yankee Stadium. (Well, actually it was Shea but I won't get too picky in a fanfic.)

He was a failure.  He had lost the trust of his firefighter brothers.  They wouldn't even speak to him when he left.  Didn't even look him in the eye.  Would they ever want him back?  Ever trust him again?  Could he even do the job again?

The trip home the night before had nearly wiped him out - the walk to the subway, the long ride and the walk home from there, all carrying a duffel bag that would have seemed like air just a few months earlier.  He crashed without so much as a shower or change of clothes.  He just didn't have it in him.  

By morning he hoped things would look better.  They didn't.  Not even after the much-needed shower.   And so he sat, in gym shorts and a muscle shirt with wet hair and an unshaven face when the knock at the door broke the silence.  He debated not answering it but pulled himself up and hobbled over to the door anyway.  Maybe it was Brooke worrying about him.  She did a lot of that. 

"Hey!"  Alex's voice was bright and chipper.  Unlike Jimmy, she looked much better than she did the last time he saw her the night before.  "You forgot something last night."  She held up a bottle of pain medicine that he had left behind at the house.

Without a change of expression, Jimmy took the bottle from her hand.  "Thanks."  He turned his head away, heavy with guilt.  "How's Roberts?"

"He's fine.  They didn't even keep him the night.  He'll be back next shift."  She wanted to take some of Jimmy's pain away, the physical and the mental.  But she felt useless.

"I'll call him today.  Thanks.  Was it busy the rest of the night?"  He was curious.

"Not another call."

Damn.  He could have stayed and saved face.  

"They help much?" Alex asked quickly, referring to the painkillers before he could even think of closing the door.

Jimmy sighed.  If one of the guys last night had asked him he would have lied and said he didn't even need them.  "A little," he said honestly.

Both still standing in the doorway, she watched him carefully - the dark circles under his eyes, the glazed look, the stiff controlled movements.  "It was a busy shift."

Jimmy sighed again.  "I guess so."  He could never admit it was too much for him.

"You were in a lot of pain by the time you left," Alex observed.

"I didn't leave," Jimmy answered defensively.  "Lieu sent me home."

Alex shook her head.  He was a stubborn one, that was for sure.  "Whatever.  You were hurting.  Still are.  Do yourself a favor and take one of those.  Maybe two."  She turned to leave.

His voice was quiet but husky, almost timid.  "Who said I was a good fireman?"  Her comment the night before had been the brightest spot of the day - actually, the brightest spot in a couple months.

"Not good.  Excellent."  She smiled.  It was nice to be able to see him smile after meeting under such strained circumstances.  "But, I'll need a couple hours."  He had a big fan club around the department.

Jimmy chuckled in embarrassment.  As much as he crowed of his own abilities it really did amaze him when somebody else thought highly of him.  "You wanta come in?  I could use the company," Jimmy confessed uncharacteristically. 

Alex chuckled.  Those eyes, those dimples.  They were just adorable.  She really had only stopped by to give the medicine to him.  She had no plan on ending up in his lair.  "I've heard that," she replied with a tilt of the head.

Jimmy's smile faded and he looked away.  Great, not only had he alienated the boys but he couldn't even talk to a woman without her thinking he was coming onto her.  What had he become?

"I didn't mean it like that." Alex responded quickly before silently chiding herself.  It was obvious the guy needed somebody to talk to.  "I'd like to come in."

Jimmy looked her in the eye.  She seemed sincere.  He stepped back and held the door open for her to enter.

***

Alex stepped past Jimmy and into the room.  It was dark and smelled a bit of smoke, most likely from Jimmy's duffel that had been unceremoniously dropped just inside the doorway, his blue FDNY shirt from last night's fire on top. She took charge.  This wouldn't do.  Moving directly to the window, she drew up the blinds allowing golden rays of sunlight to stream in.  "That's better."

"Make yourself at home."  Jimmy chuckled softly as he closed the door behind him.  "Can I get you something to drink?  Soda, beer?"

"Beer?  Jimmy, it's 9 o'clock in the morning.  Water is fine."  Jimmy did not have the reputation for abusing alcohol and she hoped this injury didn't change that.

Jimmy simply shrugged and headed to the kitchen for a clean glass.  As if reading her mind, he spoke up.  "I haven't had a drink in ten weeks.  Can't with those pain killers."

Alex felt for him.  His whole life was so seriously affected by the crazed ex-firefighter that shot him.  She was sitting in the armchair holding the bottle of painkillers when he returned.  "That's for you," she told him boldly as she indicated the glass of water and handed him the medicine.  "Take it.  You need it."

He smiled again.  She was nice.  "Yes, Mommy," he joked, even as he followed her directive.

He eased himself into the sofa with a barely audible grunt, his arm strategically pressed against both his abdomen and his leg, the scar on his leg showing clearly from below the bottom of his shorts.

"Ouch," Alex commented as she saw it.  

Jimmy shrugged.  He knew it was ugly, but there was nothing he could do about it, just live with it.

"Roberts was right.  That's a big one," Alex commented.

Jimmy laughed an embarrassed laugh as Alex gazed at his scarred groin. 

Alex turned beet red as she realized the suggestive meaning of her comment.  Oh geez.

"Not the biggest," Jimmy offered as a way out of the uncomfortable moment.  He lifted his shirt and showed her the collection of scars he would forever carry across his abdomen (except in future episodes when they show him without a shirt and neglect to 'scar him up' again). 

Alex's gaze quickly scanned his muscled chest and abs.  Geez, he looked good.  Even after all he'd been through he still looked in great shape.  She would never get involved with a firefighter she was working with but man, she wouldn't mind being around when he showered at the house.  None of the other guys at the 5-5 even came close.

He pointed to the smaller scars first.  "This one cracked a rib.  This one went straight through.  Got another scar back there to show for it."

He then raised his shirt up further, revealing the eight-inch scar from his navel to his sternum.  "And this is where they cut me open to put my insides back together."  He tried to appear unfazed by it but he wasn't quite as successful as when he was showing off to the boys.  "You know, I don't even remember getting hit by the last two.  All I remember is the pain.  Never hurt that much in my life."  It was a frank admission for him.

Alex shuddered.  Sure she was a paramedic but when she worked she didn't have to think about the long months of suffering some of her patients would have to endure after they left her care.  She did what she could for them and moved on.

"Worst day of your life, huh?" Alex asked softly.  

"Yeah," he sighed as the whole terrifying, painful ordeal scorched his brain once again.

"Sam got hit in the arm.  Davey took one in the chest."  The whole thing was replaying itself in his mind and Alex sat quietly and let him work it through.  "He didn't make it."  And it was tearing Jimmy up.

"I was at his funeral," Alex offered, hoping somehow it helped him to know that.  

"Everybody was."  Jimmy shook his head forlornly.  "Except me."

Alex leaned forward in her seat to rest her hand on Jimmy's arm.  He was feeling far too much guilt for all of this.  "They had just taken three bullets out of you, Jimmy.  Nobody expected you to be there."

He gazed at her hand, appreciating the tender touch and then turned his gaze to her face.  "I did."  It was true.  Jimmy had every intention of being at that funeral, no matter how difficult it would be.  No matter how much pain he was in.  But nobody would let him.

Alex laughed then, a soft tender laugh, like her touch.  "I bet those doctors had to tie you down to keep you there."  His courage and determination were remarkable.  She could see why he was such a good firefighter.

"No, Brooke did.  She's my fiancée."  He smiled.  "Well, she didn't tie me down but she stayed with me the whole time of the funeral."  Actually, she was there for Jimmy every day and while he was truthful when he had told Kim of his love for her the morning he was shot his love for Brooke had grown tremendously since that day.  She was so good to him.

Alex took her hand off his arm and they sat in silence again.

"The boys still talking about Wally Pipp?" Jimmy finally asked quietly. At first he looked at the floor but then he raised his hurting, pensive gaze to her eyes.  He braced himself for her reply.

"No."  Her answer was clear - no hesitation, no equivocation.

He looked at her, at first relieved and then nervous again.  They had given up on him already.

"They were talking about how they want you back as 'first nozzle'," she went on.  "Said they're a better team with you there."

"Who said that?"  He was surprised yet thrilled.

"Lombardo."

Jimmy couldn't believe it.  Joe Lombardo, one of his closest friends.  They had worked together for many years now, but Joe had been around longer and if assignments went by seniority he would have been first nozzle all these years as he was when Jimmy first came to the 5-5.  But, Jimmy was good, really good and it wasn't long before he was promoted to first nozzle while Joe was moved behind him.  Joe had been Wally Pipp to Jimmy's Lou Gehrig and Joe had never complained.  Not once.

If Jimmy hadn't felt bad enough for the way he had bragged to Joe about being a better fireman he really felt low now.

"Joe's a good friend."  

Alex smiled.  Jimmy was finally starting to get the picture.  "They also admired the courage it took for you to leave."

Suddenly he was defensive again.  "Lieu sent me...."

"Jimmy!"  She stopped him with a quick admonition.  They all knew it was his idea to leave.  "You don't have to lie about it.  They were impressed that you had the courage to leave rather than put anybody at risk just to save your pride."

Jimmy was incredulous.  "They told you that?"

Alex laughed.  "Unless it was business, nobody said a word to me.  The boys were just talking and I overheard," she explained.

Jimmy let out a long sigh, exhaling months of pain, frustration and fear. They wanted him back.  They believed in him.  They still trusted him, still respected him.  The feeling was unbelievable.

It was his turn to help now.  "You know, the boys would warm up to you fast if you just let them.  They're good men."

"Danny Gamble has a lot of friends," Alex tried to point out.

Jimmy stopped her.  "None of them really know Danny.  You give them a chance and they'll warm up to you real quick.  You'll see."

"Maybe."  Alex still wasn't completely convinced.

He laughed and gave a cocky tilt to his head.  "If they don't, I'll kick their sorry asses when I come back."  He felt like his old self now and it felt good.  Jimmy realized that even if they did keep giving her a hard time he could change that when he finally got back.  He was respected and Danny was his friend.  They would accept his view of it.

"Give it a couple weeks, Jimmy," Alex warned him gently.  "I'll be fine 'til then."  He was finally convinced that he could come back and do this job as well as he ever had.  She didn't want him to ruin it all trying to come back and defend her.

"All right."  He didn't want to blow it again, either.  "Hey, I was thinking of going for a run.  You wanta join me?"  He felt good now.

Alex shook her head and laughed.  Painkillers must have kicked in.   "Your own private paramedic for when you run yourself into the ground?

Jimmy shrugged.  He couldn't help being so eager.  He hated sitting around.  All day at the firehouse between fires he would work out - with the weights, playing some ball, whatever.  Especially now that he had given up gambling and sitting and watching the ball games was not as much fun.  Drove some of the more sedentary guys crazy but that was just the way he was.

"I have a better idea," Alex offered.  "Have you eaten?"

"Nope."

"Well, as I recall you spent dinner time last night lifting weights instead of eating, you must be hungry."  Her tone was matter-of-fact, not accusatory or insulting.

"Actually, I am."  He hadn't realized it before but he was very hungry.  "I'd offer to make you breakfast but I think you're safer if we go somewhere.  How about Marky's?"

"Sounds good."  Alex smiled easily.  Had they really just met a couple days ago?

Jimmy grabbed a pair of sweatpants and slipped them on over his running shorts, his muscle shirt hanging loose over top.  His wallet was on a table by the door next to a picture of Joey.  

Alex couldn't help but notice.  "Is that your little boy?"

"Yeah. Joey," Jimmy answered with pride.  Joey was one thing he had done right. He picked the picture up and handed it to her.

"Jimmy, he's adorable."

"Yeah," Jimmy agreed with a dimpled smile and sparkling eyes.

Alex thought the boy was a spitting image of his handsome father but said nothing.  She wondered if the little guy had his father's courageous and caring heart as well.

Alex returned the picture to its spot on the table and walked out the door as Jimmy closed it behind him.  He didn't look back.  Everything was clear now.  He had finally made it to the top of the mountain and he liked the view.  Life was good.

The End

~Cubit!~


End file.
